And yet again, I stay up again past midnight, wishing I had someone to talk to, but then again.. I drive everyone away because I don’t want them to see what’s underneath this mask… I wonder how long I can manage to keep on this facade of everything being okay when it’s really not. I’m already past the age of 20 and it feels like I’ve lost it all as I’ve grown used to this solitude and loneliness with days repeating themselves to no end.
I’m such a small insignificant existence contemplating suicide every goddamn day it never goes away, I’ve tried everything, I ended up going to therapy but it seems like I’m beyond repair. When I sat in that session, describing my greatest desire, to be left alone somewhere without any physical needs, to forget everything including my name, just to lie in utter silence while time stands still.. I realized the true meaning of being dead inside. What I described is death, what I want is death.
Haha, perhaps that’s why I drove everyone away, I didn’t want them to know what’s become of my dispensable existence, I want to protect them. I want to talk, yet my lips are tied. I want to scream but nothing comes out. I can’t fit in.
Everyone around me swims while I drown in my own tears, fears, and anxiety.
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