I’ve been debating whether or not to share this personal, vulnerable situation with the internet/“social world,” but maybe some stories are meant to be shared for a greater purpose.
Last May, exactly a year ago today, my mom, Kevin and I were involved in a very serious accident here in Waco, Texas.
A few miles from Baylor’s campus, we were at a dead stop on the highway, waiting for traffic to subside. I remember looking over at my husband and telling him how Texas traffic always made me feel nervous, and what seemed out of nowhere, our car was struck, spinning us across the highway, into the barrier, facing oncoming traffic.
I won’t go into details, but to give you vague idea, my mom was in the backseat. We were hit by a commercial van, going about 70mph – who seemingly had no time to slow down. I truly thought my mom had passed. Even today, a year later, driving in a vehicle (especially on the highway) brings a ridiculous amount of fear and anxiety that I know will just take more time to remedy.
A month later, my best friend was diagnosed with Leukemia again. And I couldn’t cope.
I didn’t want to drive, I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to work, see anyone, I didn’t want to continue with the business that I had created here in Waco as a wedding + event planner, I wanted out of my body. I wanted to crawl out of this pit that was developing in my throat, the dark hole that spread down into my chest, deep inside my stomach, that left my legs heavier than lead, my eyes permanently sunken in, desperate for rest that never came.
I want others to know that I get what it feels like to be unrecognizable to yourself, and that it is possible to pull yourself up again - even after trauma + heavy, unfathomable loss. I miss my best friend everyday, and I miss driving with the windows down without a care in the world.
But this is the recipe of life right? No state of life is ever permanent, and all we can do is be there for each other when we fall, root and begin to rise again.
So here I am, owning my story. I have finally written about it - messy, honest but true ‘finding new strength and joy, living with a new normal + finding wisdom + courage within it.’