Only if looking at the bigger picture steered us clear of the chaos inside our heads, every single time! **Sigh** I have been standing here for a while now. Trying to see, what apparently everyone else does. And I somehow have failed to. It still isn't as clear as everyone around me promised it, in reality, is.
I am panicking. Anxiety is creeping upon my spine. Why does it always have to be me standing here, at the edge? Why do I have to be so indecisive? Why can't I just be sure? As sure as everyone else is regarding their lives? Or are they?
My choice was clear, according to others. They knew what I should choose. What path I should entrail. Whose hand I should hold and why. Where the path leads and how my life is going to drastically change the minute I reach my destination. They had it all figured out. For me.
And I cannot deny the fact that they weren't exactly wrong. That they were showing me a perfectly sane path, a path anybody in my position would have trodden. The path that everyone can guarantee, leads to the greener grass and bluish skies and oceans and birds and everything nice.
Then why can I not see it? Why do I only see fog at the end of the road? Why does it not meet my eyes, what so proficiently meets others'? Or does it? Am I just choosing not to see it because of the fears that reside inside my head? Why can't I answer my own questions? Do I have an answer at all? If yes, am I just afraid, that this one answer can put my heart out as accessible again? As vulnerable as ever? In a space, where it can get broken so easily? With a gentle nudge as well! And maybe I know, if it breaks this time, there's no more fixing. Maybe I know I don't possess the energy anymore. Maybe my past experiences are deciding for my heart this time and I can't even blame them, forget silencing them.
But what if I did? What if I did allow myself to take step ahead. On this very path. Heart careful, yet accessible. Maybe not hold the hand I see, yet walk beside knowing it's ready to catch me, in case I missed a step!? What if? What if I just take a baby step and let each day unfold it's course?
Ah! Dreamy! Yet still scary! .
. ~ u.m 🌙