I've been shit on this page but I'm ready to be more verbal.
PTSD. When my counselor first mentioned it to me, I thought he was full of shit. I didnt feel like I had been "through enough" to warrant it. I've been proven wrong on multiple occasions, as facts of my trauma were mentioned that I didnt remember sharing but had. Weird right..
"Dissociation" is a disconnect between thoughts, memories, surroundings, and actions a lack of continuity. My primary dissociative moments come when discussing traumatic events, prolonged sexual harassment, or in process of self harm from extended duress.
To make it through school as a social worker, dissociation is unacceptable. To help free others, you yourself cannot remain in captivity. This has been my primary focus.
___________________________________________________ This has no doubt been the hardest challenge I've ever taken on. Some days it's been horrendous. Instead of dissociating, I'm alert and aware for every moment.
Memories, smells, sounds. I respond to both moments and memories with euphoria and horror emotions I've denied myself and am bewildered by.
I've cried in grocery stores and I've thrown up from stress. I've grieved the person I could have been, though fruitless and a waste of time.
Connecting mind &bodily health is my passion, so I want you to know everything. Sleep has been minimal. I've had back pains and knots. My skin has broken out and my depression is elevated. I've had nasea and headaches. But I havent cut once.
I love strength training because my nightmares may intensify, but 90 pounds is 90 pounds. Regardless of who's fucked with me I know I can lift that shit.
While i go through things, I dont always know how to share them. Wounds need oxygen to heal, and secrets have always poisoned me. Sunny days may be the goldmine of life, but some things you can only learn in a storm.