I had an weird incident happen several weeks ago. My mother got mad at me. Usually I have two responses to anger that's directed at me rage or devastation. Rarely an I able to let it roll off without it effecting me. Last night my sister was upset, not with me, but I was having trouble understanding her the context of our conversation. I inadvertently mad her feel worst. That's all it took for me to lose my shit, her to be of voice. I didn't blow up in a rage. I excussed myself and hid outside, next to my wrecked Ford F-150. I cried, I wailed, shaved my first in my mouth and banged my head on the truck, I hide again in the bush from her, bc I wasn't ready to face her. Her found me, hugged me, by the end of the night we were cool. Today I woke up late, when to a house I agreed to clean, came home, showered, ate lunch, and went shopping and came home, cleaned my room, and did laundry. At least that's what physically happened. In my mind though, I've been wondering why I broke down that way? Why I kept saying, "I want die". Today I know what my heart meant, "I want this awful sick overeating part of myself to die" this part that blows up, the part that crumbles. Tonight in my room, I cried again. I hate mental illnesses, for slowly trying to kill my sister. It's like losing my uncle to cancer again, only difference is the feeling that I can slow the "cancer" down with the right words. The right support, like I have any say on keeping my loved ones alive. I hate how my anxiety makes me feel like every is trying to still my loved ones. I don't know if this is only anxiety, hormones, or what. But I don't know this day has been very hard. And I feel like everything I do makes it worse.
Oh and I found a dead lizzard in my bedroom tonight - I'm a former lizzard momma. 😢
I hope this passes before my florida vacation.🏖 #mentalhealth #anxiety #IED ? #Darkroom #depression ? #BED #losingfamily #badday #notalone #sisterlove #openingup #talkingaboutit #endthementalhealthstigma #endthestigma #ughfeelings #😟